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Category: marketing

Trust Me!

Some people can't help themselves. And some people actually believe what they're saying.

Like when your Marketing Director tells you that all you have to do is re-build your Web site, create and publish content, buy some Google AdWords, connect with Decision Makers, and send out several million emails - and the leads will just come flooding in.

Or when your salesperson tells you that all you have to do is get them in the door and they'll be able to close anyone.

But when it doesn't happen, where does that leave you?


Marketing 2.0 - The Crime of the Century

Who among us hasn't heard that "57% of the decision process is completed before a sales person is ever contacted by the prospect"?

And who among us hasn't been told, time and again, that "if you build it, they will come," and then invested hundreds of thousands of dollars in websites, content, blogs, posts, and all manner of digital detritus - none of which will anyone ever see, read or respond to?

And who among us hasn't read about the historically high failure rate of new businesses, upwards of 70% of PE-funded companies in 2021?

You may not want to hear it but, for most businesses, Marketing 2.0 is a scam. It's a paradigm designed to separate business owners and investors from their money, and put it in the pockets of the platforms, the solution providers, and the so-called Marketing professionals hired to manage them - who then move on to their next gig when it all goes south.

Why else would turnover among Marketing professionals be nearly 40% per year?

But, hey, at least you got a great Web site out of it.


The End of the Universe

The comedian Lewis Black tells a joke about the time he saw a Starbucks, in a Houston-area shopping center, and it was right across the parking lot from another Starbucks.

He declared that this was the end of the universe - where parallel lines converge. And the only people who don't see the problem have Alzheimers.

Now we have a major social media platform announcing that it had discovered hundreds of fake accounts, with many connecting to other fake accounts on the site.

We have to wonder, are the people who are managing these accounts working from a Starbucks in Houston?


Doing Things Right vs Doing the Right Things

After you drank a full pitcher of Marketing 2.0 Kool-Aid, and did everything the experts told you to do, you're ready for the sales to start rolling in.

And yet you're not getting the results you need.

What's going on???

The sad fact is that virtually the entire Marketing 2.0 approach is a scam. It's a game you can't win.

It's a misdirection designed to make it look easy, to get you to waste your time, and to spend your money, and then move on when the money runs out.

At least you can comfort yourself knowing that it's not you; it's them.


The Digital Marketing Life Cycle

Digital Marketing is a powerful tool for any business that wants to fail as slowly and as painfully as possible.

Digital Marketing says "Build a Web site that's going to stand out from the 11 billion other Web sites. Optimize around terms that either no one will ever use, or ones that all your competitors already own. Do a bunch of other stuff that sounds good, but doesn't actually work. And then wait until you run out of money before you actually think about lead generation."

After all, if you build it, they will come, right?

Do you really think your content is going to break through the clutter?

Do you really think your prospects are just waiting around for your solution to show up?

Seriously. Is it any wonder that the business failure rate is over 70%?


Our Easiest Answers

If you need more sales, the answer is easy.

That's because the same Magic 8 Ball that you turned to for answers when you were young has been updated to provide you with the solutions you need today.

Now get answers like these:

• Just buy our CRM and the sales will roll in!

• Just use our Emailer, and customers will be banging on your door!

• Just hire me, and your competition will crumble!

• Just use our SEO service, and you'll jump right to the top of the Search results!

And more!

And remember, if anyone tells you that the answers are complex, don't listen to them. They're probably just a consultant.


Our Most Uplifting Escalator

Congratulations! You started your business with a great idea and a few friendly customers.

But when you tried to grow beyond the people you knew, you hit a ceiling.

With our Most Uplifting Escalator, though, you can break through that ceiling. And take your business to the next level.

And we're not talking metaphors here. These are real escalators, that really go up!

So if your business is stuck on the ground floor, we can help you move to the second floor, and beyond!


Our Highest Google Page Rank

Why settle for a page 12 ranking, or worse, on Google?

Why wallow in obscurity when your business can rank right at the top of the listings?

Wrap yourself in the warmth of a high page rank with out Best Google Page Rank.

Made from only the narrowest of search terms, and using only the finest geotagging, our Highest Google Page Rank will make you the talk of the town!

And for only $10 more, we'll send you a framed PDF of your listing, so you can proudly display your prominence in your home, in your office, or on the go!


Our Best Phone Monkeys

Growing businesses need stimulation, companionship and - most of all - engagement.

And you'll get all that, and more, with our genuine Phone Monkeys.

Our phone monkeys are great at helping your shy, young business make new friends while providing you with hours of entertainment.

Because, after all, who doesn't like monkeys?


Our Finest Door

Whenever you hear it, you know that's the sales candidate for you:

"Just get me in the door, and I can close anyone."

And that's why you need our finest door.

Constructed from the richest veneer glued over the sturdiest frame, our classic two-panel door will make your new rep proud that he'll never have to make cold calls again.

And if you need someone to actually open the door, don't forget to call our Service Department - by appointment only, of course.


Our Strongest Guarantee

You know there are no guarantees when it comes to Marketing.

But since you're going to insist on one, here it is!

Our 100% certified money-back guarantee!

Backed by years of back-room finagling, clever wordsmithing and legal foot-dragging, our guarantee is the best in the business.

We would tell you that it's not worth the paper it's printed on, but who uses paper these days?


Our Most Heartwarming Pillow

You know that your boss doesn't understand all this Digital Marketing mumbo-jumbo.

That's why she hired you.

Up your game, and get them to up your budget, with this all-natural, dacron polyester blend.

And if they don't up their budget, up yours!


Our Most Self-Fulfilling T-Shirt

Show the world that you can create eye-catching content with this 100% cotton show-stopper!

This stylish and media-savvy number comes in all sizes and genders.

And it will stand up through dozens of job interviews.

Cold water wash only.


Our Best Sales Leads

For decades, Marketers have struggled to show their impact on sales.

Media companies have invented all sorts of metrics, like impressions and circulation, to show their value.

And Marketing Managers have made up all sorts of excuses to justify spending money, often being satisfied with half the advertising budget they asked for.

But now we're pleased to offer our genuine "Marketing Qualified Leads"!

Justify whatever budget you want!

Clicks! Hits! Downloads! Form fills! Opens! Oh, my!

The conversion rate, though? That's someone else's problem, of course.


Our Warmest Digital Marketing Mug

Digital Marketing is a powerful tool for driving an endless demand for Digital Marketers.

And now you can show them who's the boss!

Order our new custom-printed Digital Marketing Expert coffee mug, and sip your favorite hot beverage while comforting yourself that, by the time they find out it didn't work, you'll be long gone!

Digital Marketing: Never have so many spent so much for so little.


Our Best Revolving Door

Here at the Digital Marketing Academy, we know Marketing!

And the one thing we know about Marketing is that "you can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time."

And that's why were now offering - exclusively for you - our Professional Digital Marketing Training Program!

In the Official Professional Digital Marketing Training Program:

• You'll learn to create and post content that no one will ever read!

• You'll learn to generate Marketing Qualified Leads (MQLs) that will never convert!

• And you'll learn to update your resume so that it's always fresh and ready-to-go!

If you're looking for a job with high demand, high pay, and high turnover, Digital Marketing is the job for you!

Call 1-800-INBOUND today, and get $10 off our regular, low price of only $10!


Join the Virtual Army, Generate Virtual Results!

The world has gone digital. And Marketing is leading the way!

Forget about the power of salesmanship. That's old school.

Who cares about uncovering needs? That's just Boomer narcissism.

Today, its Digital or Die!

Today's Digital Marketing soldiers know how to post content. They know how to upload TikToks. And they spend like there's no tomorrow.

Because, for most businesses, there isn't.

Join the Digital Marketing Army, and Be All You Can Be!


The Hope Springs Eternal Gift Box

Inbound Marketing is the ultimate gift.

It's the promise of a waiting for the phone to ring.

It's the hope of that first traffic after going live.

It's the smile of making that LinkedIn connection.

In fact, it's whatever you want it to be.

For the business you love, it's always Inbound Marketing.

Who cares if there's no ROI?

Because it's the thought that counts.


The Three Lies Custom Throw Pillow

Remember how everyone showed up for the baseball game in Field of Dreams - even though Ray Kinsella did absolutely no advertising whatsoever?

Remember how you felt when you heard that Inbound Marketing was going to save your sales team from ever having to make cold calls again?

And didn't it just warm the cockles of your heart knowing that all you had to do to beat your competition was to put the right keywords in your meta tags?

Now you can bask in the comfort of all your favorite Digital Marketing tropes with this custom throw pillow from!

Or you can cry yourself to sleep knowing they were all lies.

But at least it's super soft, and super absorbant!


The New Marketing Matrix

As anyone who studied Marketing in college has learned, Ansoff's Marketing Matrix describes the different strategies for growth, depending on whether the products and markets are old or new.

But the world has changed.

And we now have a New Marketing Matrix:


Today, if you try to sell your old products into your old markets, you quickly find that your product is obsolete - displaced by faster, better and cheaper competitors.

Your best strategy is to appeal to nostalgia.


If you try to sell your old product into a new market, you quickly find out that your product is irrelevant.

Your best strategy is to beg for an appointment.


If you try to sell your new product into an old market, you quickly find that the cost-of-change is too high.

Your best strategy is to lower your price.


If you try to sell your new product into a new market, you quickly find that Google and the other platforms are running a scam.

Your best strategy is to wait until your funding runs out, and then get a new job.


Marketing Crossword #7

A more challenging puzzle.

Are you sure you'd want to be using these techniques?


Why Are MQLs and SQLs Even a Thing?

As the digital marketing train wreck grew over the last few years, it became more and more obvious that, for most companies, the investment was wasted. Most programs just produced junk leads.

So what did they do? They did what any good marketer would do:

They re-branded their junk as a "Marketing Qualified Lead".

Get it through your heads people: There is no such thing as a Marketing Qualified Lead. If Sales doesn't want it, it's junk.

With that out of the way, we can now talk about what you ought to be doing, and how to do it.


Buyer Liar

By now, everyone has heard about the so-called "study" proving that 57% of the buyer's decision is made before they ever engage with a sales rep.

The statistic has been used to justify spending billions of dollars on Inbound Marketing.

But did you know it's completely bogus?

It turns out that they never actually did a study - which I found out by talking to a secretary at the originating company. It was a made-up number from a casual conversation. But they threw it in their pitch deck, and it eventually went viral. And here we are.

But here's how you know it's nonsense:

If it were true, how would anyone ever sell something where the buyer hadn't previously been aware of their need????


Zombie Marketing

Does your company invest in Content Marketing?

Do you still believe Inbound Marketing works?

If so, welcome to the world of Zombie Marketing!

In the movies, Zombies are dead people who don't know they're dead. And they feast on the living until there's no one left in town to eat.

In Marketing, Zombies are Marketing Professionals who recommend techniques - like content marketing, LinkedIn marketing, email and Google Adwords - that simply don't work for most companies.

And they feast on your budget until there's no money left to spend.

And then they move on to their next gig.

But that's okay. Everyone's doing it, so it must be right.


Putting the Cart Before the Horse

Deciding on what promotional tactics to use before you've really worked out an effective marketing strategy is one of the leading causes of business failure.

We see it all the time: A business has a great idea for a new product or service. They invest in building it. And then they put together - often with the help of a so-called "marketing expert" - a plan to promote it.

And then it fails to get traction.

What happened?

Companies often become enamored with the latest-and-greatest marketing tool or technique. When they combine that with their enthusiasm for their product, they become blinded to the real challenges of the market: How to break through the clutter and get people's attention, how to stimulate their interest, and how to get prospects to actually want to talk to you. It's a recipe for disaster.

One thing is clear: A good marketing strategy isn't just a bunch of marketing tactics strung together. Developing the strategy comes first, and it often requires doing market research, and classic market planning. But it's a whole separate exercise. And it's often the critical step on the path to success.


Decisions, decisions

As a business owner you're faced with a virtual tsunami of marketing options. Everyone is selling the next big thing, the newest way to generate leads, or the one tool you absolutely need to grow your business.

Email marketing! Data mining! Pay-per-lead! AI! Content marketing! SEO!

"Just use our solution and the world will beat a path to your door", they scream.

Well, here's the reality: It's all nonsense, because none of it works - at least not for you.

When it comes to marketing, if you think that you need to be doing "X", you've already lost the battle.

And there are lots of names for it: Grasping at straws. Throwing a bunch of you-know-what against the wall and seeing what sticks. And "hope as a strategy" are just a few.

If you want to win the game, you have to start with the fundamentals. You have to work through your value proposition and your positioning, your targeting, and how to actually create awareness and stimulate interest with potential buyers.

Only then should you consider what tools you need.


Stupid Marketing Tricks: Email Edition

Back in the day, salespeople who were afraid to make cold calls, or who didn't know how to open one, would employ an excuse on their calls such as "I'm calling to follow up a letter I sent you..." - never actually having sent a letter. They did this as a way to make the call seem less cold.

And prospects were often dumb enough to fall for it, or too polite to challenge it. And so the prospect would apologize, and tell the salesperson that they didn't get the letter.

"Oh, sorry," the salesperson would say, "I guess it hasn't arrived yet," knowing full well that no letter was ever sent. "But as long as I have you on the phone, do you have a minute?"

And off they'd go...

Fast forward, and today lazy marketers don't even bother making the phone call. Instead, they send misleading emails, and hope someone is stupid enough to respond.

How many emails like these have you received:

• "I tried reaching you by phone, but apparently you were out."
• "I don't know if you got my voice mail, but I was hoping to catch you at your desk."
• "I'm following up my previous emails to see if you're still interested."

Setting aside that these things clog up your inbox, the real tragedy is that is that someone is actually paying for this.

Some poor business owner has bought into the drip email process, probably because he or she can't find salespeople who actually know how to sell. And, of course, email is cheap.

The problem is that, by the time this business owner finds out that it didn't work, they've blown half their year.

And their salespeople are on to their next jobs.



What is a MQL?

A Four-Letter Word. As if you couldn't tell by the picture!


Thirsty for Results?

Digital Marketing is the business equivalent of Kool-Aid. Do you know why?

No protein, no nutritional value, just a sugar high!


The Digital Marketing Scam!

There is more evidence for its existence than there is for the effectiveness of Digital Marketing. How does this impact you?

If you were to add up everything you spent for digital marketing, including personnel, what is your net cost per qualified sales lead? Still think you aren’t getting scammed?



Why did the Marketing VP cross the road?

To get to his next job.


Inbound Marketing is a Scam!

When are you going to accept that you can’t win the inbound marketing war? Why can't you win?

The game is rigged. Ask yourself, why are search results paginated???


There are those who can sell. Then those who can't, do marketing.

The problem isn’t that Marketing isn’t a legitimate function. So what is the problem then?

It’s that everyone is convinced that it’s not accountable for sales. How’s that working out?


Marketing and Sales 2021

It’s the epic battle between Marketing and Sales. MQLs vs SQLs! And guess who loses?

You do – because there’s no such thing as an MQL. It’s either worth the salesperson’s time, or it’s not.


Blog Post 335

Why did the Marketing Director cross the road?

To interview for another job.

It's no joke that the digital Marketing Director position that grew in prominence over the last decade has fallen on hard times. Most of the tools they use simply don't work. And so most end up jumping from company to company, just hoping to get lucky.

It's also because most of the tools available today don't work very long. Marketing today is an arms race; so if you can't tell the fools and the fool's gold, you might end up having to cross the road, too.


The "Burned Before" Series, Episode 8: Cheaping Out

We've seen many companies blow through their budgets on marketing programs that failed to deliver. And it's sad. But it happens mostly because there's so much nonsense out there.

Everyone tells you what you need to do - "Do SEO!" "You need Click Funnels!" "Stand on your head and squawk like a chicken!" - but the vendor never draws the link to revenues, so you never achieve your goals.

And then you're left with not enough money to do anything meaningful, and ask us to fix the problem on the cheap.

The fact is that successful marketing is hard to do. And all those "easy answers" are like cheap insurance. You can afford it, but it isn't going to be there when you need it.

The funny thing is that the hardest thing to do in marketing is to come up with a strategy that's actually going to work.

But are you willing to spend the $5,000 it's going to cost to do that? Doubtful.

But that's the reason you're getting burned. It's not your vendors' fault.


In-House vs Outsourced Marketing

Many companies wrestle with the question of whether they'd be better off hiring staff to do their marketing, or to outsource it.

Hiring arguably gives you more control, and it may save you some, but it limits your talent pool and flexibility. Outsourcing gives you a lot more options, but management can be tricky.

But neither of those arguments matter if your marketing plan isn't working.

You see, here's the thing. What really matters most in marketing is strategy. And that doesn't just mean picking a target market and a bunch of marketing mix elements. Strategic market planning is a science. And if you hire a Marketing Manager who doesn't understand it, you might as well just throw darts.

The reality is that if you hire people for a critical function like marketing, and they don't succeed, then they'll just go on to their next job - leaving you holding the bag.

That's why you should call At least we know the right things to do.


Liar, liar, pants on fire

Have you even gotten one of those pitches from a call center where they brag about the high number of dials they can make each day, and it sounds high but reasonable?

And then as icing on the cake they tell you that they can generate lots of great leads too, and it sounds even better?

Run the math, though, and you may find out you're about to get snockered.

Let's assume that it takes three minutes to dial someone - because you have to familiarize yourself with who they are and what they do. Otherwise, of course, it will sound like you're reading from a script, and they'll just hang up on you.

So that 100 dials/day will take about 300 minutes, or 5 hours - assuming no bathroom breaks.

Then ask yourself: If the caller actually gets someone on the line, how long do you think it will take for them to persuade a prospect to agree to a meeting? Ten minutes? (Ten if you're lucky, but probaby more like twenty. But let's run with ten.)

And how many of these ten minute conversations would the caller have to have to get one person to say yes? Five? (Again, five if you're lucky, but probably more like ten.)

So here's the math: Five appointments required 25 conversations, each of which took ten minutes (not counting the time it takes to write notes), for a total of 250 minutes. Add that to the five hours from before, and you have a 9 hour day.

Do you know what a "blivit" is?


Any Idiot Can Make Phone Calls

Desperate times call for desperate measures. That's why so many marketing firms are getting into the telemarketing business these days. It's also why so many companies use them.

And it's also why so many of these programs fail.

At we've offered professional B2B telemarketing and lead generation services for over 20 years, and so we know a thing or two about it. For example...

First, you can't just hand someone a script and a telephone and expect them to get past gatekeepers and voice mail.

Second, you can't put someone on the phone who doesn't know what they're doing and expect them to persuade a busy executive - someone who may be running a $50 million business - to grant an appointment.

And third, doing this wrong doesn't just waste money, it wastes time, and it can ruin your company's reputation. And if you think that opting for pay-per-lead is going to help, wait until you see the blowback from bogus appointments. Or worse, what it does to your bottom line.

But go ahead. Go with that vendor who says they can make 600 dials-per-hour and guarantee 47 qualified leads per day.

Then watch them make a monkey out of you.


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